fantasies of death

I've been thinking about death. I blame my meditation practice. Fantasies of death have been coming to mind while meditating with increased frequency over the last couple years. About a year and a half ago, near the end of a meditation course, a particularly excruciating one arose.

In the realm of apocalyptic 2012 theories, one I've heard is that not only will the earth's magnetic poles shift, the planet's axis will shift, literally role over on its side so that points on the equator will become the new polar ice caps, and the antarctic continent will become habitable. This could happen quite quickly in this theory.

Now, I don't give this much credit. But somehow, on the morning of the tenth day of this meditation course my wandering mind, my whimsical, flittering, fluttering mind landed on this idea, and explored it. I imagined a scenario where it happened so quickly that all of a sudden we at Twin Oaks (where I was still living at the time) would get snowed in before we realized what was happening. And in this scenario there would be now relief, no escape. It would be a death sentence.

Of course, our stores of food and fire wood would keep us alive for some months. Then, gradually they would run out. I knew what I would do. I would meditate a lot. I would prepare myself for death as I've learned to do. But what about Willow? How could he understand what was happening? How could he cope?

I imagined trying to teach this (at that point) four year old boy how to meditate. Sitting with him as he cried, screaming, "why can't we leave?!" or "I'm hungry! Why can't we get food?!" or "I'm cold, why won't it stop snowing!" or "What's going on? What's going to happen?" And I would hold him and try my best to explain. "We're trapped, and eventually the food will run out, or the fire wood. We're going to die. It's going to feel really bad and there's nothing we can do to stop it."

I would try to stay calm, try to keep peace in myself as my heart broke over and over again. As a parent, as a human, one of the most painful experiences I've had to face is seeing Willow in pain, physical or emotional. Often, it's like I'm feeling it, only I feel more powerless, which only makes it worse.

Lately, new fantasies of death have been coming out. In case you didn't know there's been a world food crisis. Millions of people all of a sudden finding themselves without enough to eat. There have been food riots. I've been thinking about that. What if that happened here? Simply not enough food on the shelves to feed everyone, or it's so expensive that people, that I, can't afford to buy enough. What if people rioted? Would I riot too? Would I try to get enough for myself in a mad rush knowing that if I did someone else would go hungry? I'm lucky to be close with people who garden. But what happens when winter comes and there's just not enough?

There are other more plausible theories of catastrophe. Atmospheric, geophysical, solar disasters. All unlikely, but they've all happened before, and could literally happen again at any time. The southeast Asia tsunami. Katrina. The typhoon in Burma. The earthquake in china. I'm lucky. Any one of us is lucky.

Willow and I saw a movie in a planetarium that showed a representation of the asteroid colliding with the earth that wiped out the dinosaurs. Scientist think that in the first hour after the asteroid hit the temperature on the planet reached 500 degrees Fahrenheit. Planet wide black out of ash and dust ensued, dark enough so that plants didn't have enough sunlight to survive for 6 months. How anything on the planet managed to survive that is a wonder to me.

Thinking about all these things, I feel very small. I realize how fragile and insignificant I am in the grandness of time and space and geophysical, planetary, intrastellar phenomena. And then I look around me, in the coffeeshop I'm sitting in, or on the street I'm driving down, or in the dance club with people in their cute outfits doing their mating rituals.

And I think, what is life? What is this complexity of culture we've created that we so take for granted? Large scale cataclysmic events aside, there are the age-old cataclysms of sickness, injury, old age, death.

A friend recently dislocated her ankle in a bike accident. She may never walk right again. Even at 28 years old I'm finding that I gain weight much more easily than I use to, and my digestive system in general is much more sensitive. I have a chronic neck spasm from a childhood injury that will never fully heal, and will probably lead to gradual decrease in mobility the older I get. And I know I'm going to have to keep dealing with an increasing number of ailments.

I firmly believe that facing our pain is most profoundly life changing, transformative, revolutionary, social change-making action we can take. The less afraid of pain we are, the less afraid of death we are, the more open to love and joy and life we are. I've dealt with a lot of pain through my meditation practice, but I know I still have so far to go. I'm still very afraid of pain. Getting shots, or my blood taken, still makes me cringe, for example. And the thought of a painful death, particularly burning to death or drowning, are very hard to think about.

But I welcome these fantasies. I don't dwell on them, but I greet them when they arise, acknowledge them, feel how they feel, and let them pass. I'm grateful that I've started this practice now. It is perhaps naive hope, given the state of the world, that I will live to a ripe old age, but that is what I imagine. May I, and may we all, learn to face our pain and, ultimately, our deaths, with peace and calmness and gratitude.

earthly betrayal

Like a rebelious teenager, we have created an antagonistic relationship with our progenitors. We have betrayed they earth, and the earth, out of self-preservation, has broken from unconditional love and is betraying us. Our response is complex. How do to deal with it?

Kneel down, beat the earth with your fists, say,
"how could you!?"

Clutch the earth, grip it, dig your fingers into it, say,
"take me back!"

Leap from the earth, reach towards the sky, say,
"let me go!"

Lie on the earth, sprawl out in surrender, say,
"I accept this."

Stand up, face yourself, face others, face the world, say,
"I love you, I will better myself, I will better the world."

I heard an interesting concept last night. Corporate america has been increasingly co-opting the idea of being "green." "Green washing" has become popular, esp. among automobile and oil industries. Green consumerism is constantly gaining ground. Some of this is a sham, some of it is a step in the right direction. But generally, none of it is "sustainable."

Sustainable is the increasingly popular buzz word, the cutting edge of appropriate technology and socio-economic systems. But sustainable, in a sense, means neutral. It means not making things worse.

So, there's a next level: restorative. We don't really want to sustain things the way they are right now. We want to restore our natural and social environments to some previous state that is more balanced.

But there's a level beyond that: regenerative. And to me, regenerative implies an evolution beyond what has been to something new, something we are only beginning to imagine.

willow and my life

After two and half months apart Willow and I are back together. The first night here, as we cuddled up for bed, I said, "you know what?" "What?" he said. "It's been two and half months since we've seen each other." "What the heck!" he exclaimed. "But you know, now that we're here together it seems like it's been no time at all." "Yeah," was his thoughtful reply.

Jumping back into full-time parenting has been good and challenging, natural and jarring. I'm immensly thankful for Kassia's presence. She's been spending lots of time with him, in addition to the three of us spending time together. I've always been the strictest of Willow's parents (in monitoring his screen time, for example) and the most demanding, around things like learning time and dietary choices. Kassia has been a good ally for me in this in that she doesn't come with the same level of anxiety towards "being a good parent" that I do. I've been appreciating her patience and persistance, as well as her creativity in find ways to engage Willow, rather than just making him do things, which is the approach I tend to fall into.

For some reason about a year ago parenting, and my relationship with Willow, all of a sudden took on a very natural and comfortable feeling for me. I still struggle with insecurities. When Willow gets into being fearful or insecure a part of me starts thinking it's my fault. When he gets into being lazy or obstinate I think I'm not pushing him enough and am not creative enough in my methods of engaging him. But I feel connected to him in a way I haven't before. There's more we can do together. He's more capable of grasping the various aspects of life and reality that I find awe inspiring. And somehow I just get what's going on for him better, and find it easier to talk with him about his experience. He's also getting more affectionate and cuddly with me, which I really enjoy.

I'm going back to virginia. Even before Willow came out I came to this conclusion. I can't subordinate parenting at this point in my life, in his life. Each year of his life right now is so special and unique - I don't want to miss it. I want to keep growing up with him. Pax, Hawina, and I seem to be in a stronger place that we've been for a long time as well. It would be a shame not to take advantage of strength and closeness of our family.

But I can't live at Twin Oaks anymore, that's clear. Charlottesville is the plan. Kassia will be coming too, and I'm very happy that we'll be continuing our partnership. In thinking about all the crazy plans and schemes I want to work on it seems like it would be much harder without her.

The best laid plans of mice and men, as they say. My personality likes to plan, likes to set myself on a track and follow it. Fortunately this about-face hasn't been too disruptive. I credit my meditation practice for that. And I'm looking forward to these next couple months in Portland, a month at a meditation center, Europe, and then hitting the ground (in C'ville) running in January.

Let's see how long this plan lasts ;0)

listening to Obama

Tonight I got to see/hear Barack Obama speak at the University of Oregon campus in Eugene, OR. He focused on issues, which I liked. He said lots of things I liked, about ending tax breaks for the rich, about renewable energy, about raising wages for teachers and funding early education programs, about increasing mass transit, around not accepting campain contributions from federally registered lobbies. His comments were also superficial. He was saying all the right things. That's what politicans do. They're not stupid... well, okay, at minimum they've got smart people working for them. And there were things he said that just didn't work for me, and things I wished he'd said.

He played down the conflict between his and Clinton's campaign, saying that the differences between them paled in comparison to the differences between either of them and McCain. He talked about people talking about how Clinton supporters won't vote for him and vise versa, and dismissed that. He said that the Democrates will be united come November. What I wanted to hear him say is, "even if Clinton wins the Democratic nomination I want every democrate to support her and vote for her."

He talked about the intention from the beginning beging to keep the campaign positive, no negativity, no mudslinging. He acknowledged that hasn't always happened. He said, "you know, when you get hit enough times you can't resist the temptation to hit back." He said, "we (meaning his campaign) haven't always kept to that (meaning keeping it positive." What I wanted to hear him say is, "I acknowledge that despite my promise to keep it positive I have attacked Clinton and McCain at times and I apologize for that."

He talked a lot about unity. But he still talked about "America's adversaries" and keeping American's "competitive on the international market." He talked about the need for new technologies to address global warming and how "we need to make sure those technologies are developed here." He talked about making America a leader in international politics again. So, the unity ends at the border? Cooperation is only for U.S., not for THEM?

He made various references to renewing the possibility of the "american dream." The presidential candidate I will get behind is the one who acknowedges that for the mass majority of people in this country since day one the american dream has been a lie.

He talked about universal health care. But from what I've read he's not talking about single-payer, nor is he talking about seriously changing the policies that require, or at least enable, the bureacracy of health insurance industry, which is a huge monetary drain on the system.

He talks about it being time to bring the troops home. But from what I've read he's made no committment to a deadline or outlined a timetable for withdrawl. Indeed, in his speech he said, "we need to be as careful leaving as we were reckless entering." What does that mean? 1 yr? 5 yrs? 10 yrs?

I think Obama is probably the best to come along, in terms of matching political platform with "electability," since Carter. But he's no Dennis Kucinich and he's no Ralph Nader. Obama ended his speech by saying, "the thing that's going to make it possible for all these changes is you." I do believe a critical mass of people are ready for real change and that it's that critical mass of people that's going to make real change possible, not the president.

I hope Obama is inspiring enough to inspire people past the idol worship that's developed around him to a sense of empowerment that will actually make things happen. And hopefully Obama will shift legslation enough to support that. An article in the Nation summed it up well for me. The authors wrote that, like JFK, a tepidly liberal yet charasmatic candidate can incite a popular movement to take things far beyond what they had actually intended. Here's hoping.

culture and change

Last weekend Kassia picked up what appeared to be something like an activist's flashcard. On the front it reads, "Alternative popular culture." On the back it reads, "struggle to aquire, maintain or resist power using culture as the site of or for that struggle."

This reminded me of a group I ran into at the National Conference on Organized Resistance back in 2003, called SmartMeme. In their workshop they outlined the key points in the development of an activist campaign where, traditionally, mainstream media and other institutions take control of the situation by framing the issue and controling the language and issues. We looked at strategies for counter-acting that pattern.

"SmartMeme is about doing social change in a holistic way : shifting from issues to values, supplementing organization building with movement building, focusing on the intersections of story telling, relational organizing, communications, alliance building and creative new forms of civic engagement and action.

SmartMeme amplifies the impact of local and national non-profit and grassroots organizations with capacity-building partnerships, collaborations, and new strategy tools to change the stories that shape the dominant culture. We integrate the art of framing, the science of strategy, and the approach of grassroots organizing through our framework of story-based strategy." (from the smartMeme website)

I'm writing this as something of a follow up to my previous post. Somehow I'm finally starting to put the pieces together of this new culture that's emerging. To some extent it's a resistance culture. But it's primarily that in that in order to have the space to create the culture we want to live in we have to push on the boundaries of the dominant culture, because they're not leaving much room to work in. And this conflict is more about values, lifestyles, economics than it is about physical, or even formally political confrontation.


According to Wikipedia this idea is actually nothing new. "The phrase "culture war" is a translation of the German Kulturkampf, the name given to the struggle between the government of the German Empire under Otto von Bismarck against the power of the Catholic Church from 1871-1878.

Italian Marxist Antonio Gramsci in the 1920s argued that the reason the proletarian revolution had not advanced in Europe as fast as many Marxists had expected it would was due to cultural hegemony. The theory of cultural hegemony states that a diverse culture can be dominated by one class because of that class's monopoly over the mass media and popular culture. Gramsci therefore argued for a culture war in which anti-capitalist elements seek to gain a dominant voice in mass media, education, and other mass organizations." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Culture_war

In my opinion, another reason that different political and social movements operating from a base of counter-culture creation have had limited impact is because there has been too much focus on ideology and rhetoric, as well as organizational structure and, as a movement develops, bureaucracy, and too little on the real point of the matter, which is to better the lives of those who are oppressed.

In my work, I hope to turn this around. I hope to work for the betterment of life circumstances for all, and to organize people and resources in a way that clearly makes their lives better. If it's not obvious, something's wrong. If there is energy wasted on bureaucracy and institution, something's wrong. If I can simply point to what's happening and say, "look we're helping people meet their own needs while meeting the needs of others through their own hard work and mutual support" it will be hard to argue with that.

zeitgeist

"Portland is where the zeitgeist in America is," Thomas, another Twin Oaks refugee, said to me recently.
"The what?" I asked.
"It's a German word. It means 'spirit of the age.'"

Intuitively I understood what he meant. I also understood why I'm so attracted to Portland. I've always been attracted to the cutting edge, the newest, deepest understanding of, well, just about anything. And in particular, as I have begun to think more and more in terms of what I should do with my life to create the greatest possible good in the world, Portland's identity as the premier green city in the country is a big draw.

Identity isn't enough. There seems to be a reality backing it up. Brush at Tryon Life Community Farm said to me, "the city likes the attention and realizes that it's because of all these young radicals doing interesting things, but the city's not quite sure what to do with them. There are more and more coming, but there are also people who are attracted to Portland who are just going to live mainstream lifestyles. That's easier to plug in on. So we've got to give these radicals things to do that will also allow them to afford to live here."

I'm writing this piece in the dining room of the Emma Goldman Finishing School, an egalitarian, income-sharing, urban commune of (currently) 10 adults and 3 kids. Emma's and Ganas on Staten Island, NYC, are the only urban intentional communities doing this level of resource sharing that I'm aware of. Why is this important? Economic justice. Egalitarian economics. Creating a system of mutual support to escape, or at least create a buffer against the mainstream, capitalist economy. It's not just about creating a groovy, comfortable situation for your little group. The way Emma's sees it, "[w]e work to create this future in the here and now by building alternative economic, political, and cultural infrastructure designed to oppose and replace the dominant system. We aim to create a home that embodies our shared values, provides a fun and supportive environment in which to live, and helps forge a dense network of relations with people and institutions outside of our community... Our home is a place of self-education, experimentation, and radical democracy - a community where the means and ends are one." (Emma Goldman Finishing School, Community Values: Root Document)

The reason why I'm more attracted to urban settings right now is because I think we need to create these systems on ever-increasing scales in order to counter the environmentally and socially destructive (I would go as far as to say suicidal) effects of the mainstream socio-economic system. According to The Endless City, a project by The Urban Age, 10% of the world's population lived in cities in 1900. Today, it's 50%. In 2050 the number is estimated to reach 75%. The anti-civilizationist Derrick Jensen argues that cities are inherently unsustainable. Whether or not that's true they're not going away any time soon, and must be made more sustainable. And sustainability is not just about ecology. It's about economics, politics, and human relationships.

Raine Eisler in her book The Real Wealth of Nations proposes an economic system that is based on caring and caregiving. This sees social relationships as integral, as fundamental, whereas classical economics only considers individuals in their roles as employers, employees, and consumers. She points out that the household economy, the unpaid community economy, and the environmental economy, which are all given little or no value in the dominant economic paradigm, are the foundation. How can we have a healthy economy without healthy people? How can we have healthy people without healthy communities? How can we have healthy communities without a healthy environment? And how can we have any of these without economic policies and practices that take this reality into account?

The economist Bernard Lietaer also points out the fallacy of an economic system that does not take relationships into consideration. He says, "different currency systems create different kinds of relationships... If I want to cooperate with you then I'll create a currency that actually creates cooperation... The economy of the future is going to be one of relationships, the choice of relationships will determine the type of currency we should be using." <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjYDhuLWUnE>

Then there's social ecology. Social ecology "holds that present ecological problems are rooted in deep-seated social problems, particularly in dominatory hierarchical political and social systems. These have resulted in an uncritical acceptance of an overly competitive grow-or-die philosophy. It suggests that this cannot be resisted by individual action such as ethical consumerism but must be addressed by more nuanced ethical thinking and collective activity grounded in radical democratic ideals. The complexity of relationships between people and with nature is emphasised, along with the importance of establishing social structures that take account of this."

Annie Leonard, in her video The Story of Stuff points out that viable solutions are being developed for large scale systems: Green chemistry, zero waste, closed loop production, local living economies, ecopsychology, social ecology, deep ecology, permaculture, etc. Raine Eisler references her involvement with pioneers in chaos and complexity theory and how these theories provide scientific basis for this new brand of integrated-systems theories.

We now have what the counter-culture movement of the sixties lacked: a creditable and understandable base of academic and scientific work to support the practical application of our values and ideals. Mix this with a counter-culture that has been continuing to develop over the last several decades: aspects of eastern and new age philosophy as well as reclaimed christian and jewish philosophy, hip hop culture, anarchist-DIY culture, an explosion of underground music and art and the technology for independent mass-distribution, home gardening, community gardens, a steady increase in collective living situations...

But in my opinion the academic and scientific work has surpassed the practical application, which is dangerous. "The map is not the territory," as one of my teachers, Steven Young, says, and "practice and theory must go together," says, S. N. Goenka, another of my teachers. Theory without practice can become irrelevant, or simply useless.

Portland is where I see the most developed practical application of this body of theory. There's a strong, cohesive social culture supporting organizing and innovation, a solid coalition of NGO's with a mission of creating a "livable future" for all city residents, and a progressive, responsive city government. It's where the zeitgeist in America is.

It may be that I chose not to live there for more than a few months. But in that time I plan to learn as much as possible and be as deeply inspired as possible, so that where ever I go I will take this zeitgeist, the spirit of the age with me.

the story of stuff

WATCH THIS VIDEO!!!

http://www.storyofstuff.com/

It's an amazingly well articulated and presented explanation of what's wrong with the current global socio-economic system, why it needs to change, and what we can do to change it.