After two and half months apart Willow and I are back together. The first night here, as we cuddled up for bed, I said, "you know what?" "What?" he said. "It's been two and half months since we've seen each other." "What the heck!" he exclaimed. "But you know, now that we're here together it seems like it's been no time at all." "Yeah," was his thoughtful reply.
Jumping back into full-time parenting has been good and challenging, natural and jarring. I'm immensly thankful for Kassia's presence. She's been spending lots of time with him, in addition to the three of us spending time together. I've always been the strictest of Willow's parents (in monitoring his screen time, for example) and the most demanding, around things like learning time and dietary choices. Kassia has been a good ally for me in this in that she doesn't come with the same level of anxiety towards "being a good parent" that I do. I've been appreciating her patience and persistance, as well as her creativity in find ways to engage Willow, rather than just making him do things, which is the approach I tend to fall into.
For some reason about a year ago parenting, and my relationship with Willow, all of a sudden took on a very natural and comfortable feeling for me. I still struggle with insecurities. When Willow gets into being fearful or insecure a part of me starts thinking it's my fault. When he gets into being lazy or obstinate I think I'm not pushing him enough and am not creative enough in my methods of engaging him. But I feel connected to him in a way I haven't before. There's more we can do together. He's more capable of grasping the various aspects of life and reality that I find awe inspiring. And somehow I just get what's going on for him better, and find it easier to talk with him about his experience. He's also getting more affectionate and cuddly with me, which I really enjoy.
I'm going back to virginia. Even before Willow came out I came to this conclusion. I can't subordinate parenting at this point in my life, in his life. Each year of his life right now is so special and unique - I don't want to miss it. I want to keep growing up with him. Pax, Hawina, and I seem to be in a stronger place that we've been for a long time as well. It would be a shame not to take advantage of strength and closeness of our family.
But I can't live at Twin Oaks anymore, that's clear. Charlottesville is the plan. Kassia will be coming too, and I'm very happy that we'll be continuing our partnership. In thinking about all the crazy plans and schemes I want to work on it seems like it would be much harder without her.
The best laid plans of mice and men, as they say. My personality likes to plan, likes to set myself on a track and follow it. Fortunately this about-face hasn't been too disruptive. I credit my meditation practice for that. And I'm looking forward to these next couple months in Portland, a month at a meditation center, Europe, and then hitting the ground (in C'ville) running in January.
Let's see how long this plan lasts ;0)
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
video games and playfighting
(Note: This piece was written as an email to the community at Tryon Life Community Farm, the community in Portland I am exploring moving to, which I haven't sent yet and may not depending on input from a couple members with whom I have gotten close. I did a membership interview recently and brought up and dealt with concerns about Willow's video game and playfighting interests. Looking at the bright side, it was the only point of concern about my potentially joining the community.
I thought I'd post it because it illustrates some of my parenting attitudes and practices, as well as providing a sense of who Willow is as a developing person.)
...
I want to share some more thoughts and details regarding the concerns about the play-fighting and video games my son, Willow, engages in. I also want to reiterate some things from the interview I want to make sure were heard and take the opportunity to give a fuller picture of who Willow is.
I hope by addressing this I'm not making it a bigger deal than it is. I've never before experienced evaluation/judgment about Willow from people whose opinions I value. And when I say evaluation/judgement I don't think there was any negativity expressed - just authentic, reasonable concern. Still, it brought up a lot for me as a parent that I didn't expect. This was compounded by my general state of travel weariness (almost 3 months on the road) and my excitement about Tryon - without realizing it I'd started generating attachment to it working out for me join y'all.
I'm not thrilled with these aspects of his life. I'd prefer they were lessened, and have had to compromise with others and the culture he's been raised in. Now they are integrated aspects of his life and I feel some hopelessness about shifting that in a way that's not traumatic for him or our relationship. At times I struggle with trying to figure out how to engage him in ways that will feel compelling to both of us, and sometimes feel bad about my abilities as a parent when I can't (this was certainly part of what was triggered for me during the interview.) In the context of Twin Oaks I think my hopelessness may be justified. But a new context would provide a new opportunity, which I feel both scared and excited about.
Re: playfighting. I think some amount of this is normal and healthy. And I don't think he's outside of the norm for little boys, even in alternative cultures. I think most children are aware of their vulnerability and helplessness in the world and that playfighting for some is a way of exploring what it feels like to be powerful. He and I do some amount of wrestling/rough-housing, and I think it's good for him and our relationship for a number of reasons. We always establish ground rules before we start and almost always spend some time in mellow cuddling afterwards.
He likes to run around with make-shift caps and helmets, fighting invisible monsters and bad-guys with sticks for swords (I was told that Talon does this as well.) He playfights in this way with other kids and adults too. But he's very aware and respectful of boundaries. He knows (and remembers as much as one could expect from any 5 yr old) that there needs to be agreement with all involved before hand and that when someone says "no" or "stop" that needs to be respected immediately. He knows that some people are into playing this way and some are not. He knows that it's okay to do it in some spaces and not others.
He also likes to set up his Lego and Playmobile figures and have battles. I remember doing this as a kid and my father having a hard time with it at times. Ironically, and not surprisingly, Willow and I are replicating that dynamic. I know he likes it and try to engage in ways and to the extent I feel comfortable. I'll building him castles, and rather than having a throne room for a king I'll encourage having a hall for the wizards collective, which he's usually happy to go with. And rather than fighting battles I'll try to make up quests. But there are plenty of times when he just wants to playflight in traditional ways, by himself or with friends, and I give him the space to do this.
Again, he knows that it's okay to play those games in some places and not others and with some people and not others. He has always had regular caretakers who are unwilling to playfight in any way. They successfully engage him in arts and crafts, nature walks/planet identifying, "naming ceremonies," reading chapter books out loud, looking up stuff on wikipedia, etc. And as Willow gets older my co-parents and are starting to introduce more and more structured "learning time."
Part of why I accept the extent to which he engages in all this is that it's all in the realm of fantasy. He is a very sensitive and at times passive/submissive child. He's thoughtful and considerate towards others. The child rearing culture at Twin Oaks is definitely very adamant about non-violent conflict resolution and consistently works with kids to use their words, teaching them to negotiation and get help from adults before they get upset and lash out.
That said, there are certainly times when he will respond aggressively if he's feeling insecure or uncomfortable with how someones engaging with him. But it's obvious to me that this is a product of the gender socialization that creeps in to even progressive, alternative cultures. I think most people have a tendency, especially with little boys, to engage by tickling, poking, playfighting, or verbally teasing when we want to connect or show affection (I witnessed some amount of this towards Ember during my visit.) This is something I've worked hard to train myself out of. I think both myself and my co-dad have done a pretty good job of this and as a result Willow is a very sweet, cuddly, and affectionate kid. But of course some of it still filters through, from us and from others, and comes out in his behavior.
Re: video games, I don't think I'd be willing to do an outright prohibition. As was noted in my interview, we all have our vices, and it would seem hypocritical to me to do so. I'm certainly happy to limit it to private space, with either zero volume or headphones. Also, parenting standards at Twin Oaks vary significantly. He would totally understand if I told him that other families didn't want exposure to video games. He would happily keep it to himself and not engage other kids with it.
As I mentioned, the current rule is 2 hrs a day. I'm open to reducing that, but it would need to be gradual, especially as he transitions, even just for visits, into a whole knew community. And I would certainly look for support in engaging him in alternative activities during that process. I'd also be happy to limit the kinds of games and movies he plays/watches (his favorite game for a long time has been Civilization, which actually has strong educational potential that I engage him around.)
In the end, I would welcome the opportunity to live in a community that holds "higher" standards around limiting this kind of stuff. I think it would be important for the community to support both of us in the retraining/transitioning process, and that he be allowed a reasonable amount of freedom to be who he is and have personal interests. As mentioned, I did plenty of playfighting and video games as a kid. I don't think it was of great detriment (I'm not a thug or a war-monger, nor am I ambitionless and uncreative, etc.) but I definitely think I would be a more creative and resourceful person had I spent my time in more constructive ways. And, whatever I had absorbed from society that compelled me towards those activities as a child, I naturally worked through it and eventually grew out of it. I'm confident that the same will be true for Willow.
I also want to reiterate that I understand and respect the concerns. I expected it, which is why I brought it up, so that it could be addressed early in the process. After the interview I told Willow's mother, Hawina, about all this. She's similarly sub-thrilled with how much time Willow spends at these activities but also feels some hopelessness around it. She noted, recognizing the irony, that if someone with a child who played video games and liked playfighting was applying for membership at Twin Oaks she'd have concerns too.
I realize that what is needed in this situation is for y'all to get a chance to meet him, which I hope to set up for next spring. Again, I'm both scared and excited for this. It will be a new and challenging experience for both of us in many ways. I think my interest in addressing this more in advance is to make sure that everyone has a sense of him as a complex, unique person and to be open to seeing him for all of who he is when he visits.
I thought I'd post it because it illustrates some of my parenting attitudes and practices, as well as providing a sense of who Willow is as a developing person.)
...
I want to share some more thoughts and details regarding the concerns about the play-fighting and video games my son, Willow, engages in. I also want to reiterate some things from the interview I want to make sure were heard and take the opportunity to give a fuller picture of who Willow is.
I hope by addressing this I'm not making it a bigger deal than it is. I've never before experienced evaluation/judgment about Willow from people whose opinions I value. And when I say evaluation/judgement I don't think there was any negativity expressed - just authentic, reasonable concern. Still, it brought up a lot for me as a parent that I didn't expect. This was compounded by my general state of travel weariness (almost 3 months on the road) and my excitement about Tryon - without realizing it I'd started generating attachment to it working out for me join y'all.
I'm not thrilled with these aspects of his life. I'd prefer they were lessened, and have had to compromise with others and the culture he's been raised in. Now they are integrated aspects of his life and I feel some hopelessness about shifting that in a way that's not traumatic for him or our relationship. At times I struggle with trying to figure out how to engage him in ways that will feel compelling to both of us, and sometimes feel bad about my abilities as a parent when I can't (this was certainly part of what was triggered for me during the interview.) In the context of Twin Oaks I think my hopelessness may be justified. But a new context would provide a new opportunity, which I feel both scared and excited about.
Re: playfighting. I think some amount of this is normal and healthy. And I don't think he's outside of the norm for little boys, even in alternative cultures. I think most children are aware of their vulnerability and helplessness in the world and that playfighting for some is a way of exploring what it feels like to be powerful. He and I do some amount of wrestling/rough-housing, and I think it's good for him and our relationship for a number of reasons. We always establish ground rules before we start and almost always spend some time in mellow cuddling afterwards.
He likes to run around with make-shift caps and helmets, fighting invisible monsters and bad-guys with sticks for swords (I was told that Talon does this as well.) He playfights in this way with other kids and adults too. But he's very aware and respectful of boundaries. He knows (and remembers as much as one could expect from any 5 yr old) that there needs to be agreement with all involved before hand and that when someone says "no" or "stop" that needs to be respected immediately. He knows that some people are into playing this way and some are not. He knows that it's okay to do it in some spaces and not others.
He also likes to set up his Lego and Playmobile figures and have battles. I remember doing this as a kid and my father having a hard time with it at times. Ironically, and not surprisingly, Willow and I are replicating that dynamic. I know he likes it and try to engage in ways and to the extent I feel comfortable. I'll building him castles, and rather than having a throne room for a king I'll encourage having a hall for the wizards collective, which he's usually happy to go with. And rather than fighting battles I'll try to make up quests. But there are plenty of times when he just wants to playflight in traditional ways, by himself or with friends, and I give him the space to do this.
Again, he knows that it's okay to play those games in some places and not others and with some people and not others. He has always had regular caretakers who are unwilling to playfight in any way. They successfully engage him in arts and crafts, nature walks/planet identifying, "naming ceremonies," reading chapter books out loud, looking up stuff on wikipedia, etc. And as Willow gets older my co-parents and are starting to introduce more and more structured "learning time."
Part of why I accept the extent to which he engages in all this is that it's all in the realm of fantasy. He is a very sensitive and at times passive/submissive child. He's thoughtful and considerate towards others. The child rearing culture at Twin Oaks is definitely very adamant about non-violent conflict resolution and consistently works with kids to use their words, teaching them to negotiation and get help from adults before they get upset and lash out.
That said, there are certainly times when he will respond aggressively if he's feeling insecure or uncomfortable with how someones engaging with him. But it's obvious to me that this is a product of the gender socialization that creeps in to even progressive, alternative cultures. I think most people have a tendency, especially with little boys, to engage by tickling, poking, playfighting, or verbally teasing when we want to connect or show affection (I witnessed some amount of this towards Ember during my visit.) This is something I've worked hard to train myself out of. I think both myself and my co-dad have done a pretty good job of this and as a result Willow is a very sweet, cuddly, and affectionate kid. But of course some of it still filters through, from us and from others, and comes out in his behavior.
Re: video games, I don't think I'd be willing to do an outright prohibition. As was noted in my interview, we all have our vices, and it would seem hypocritical to me to do so. I'm certainly happy to limit it to private space, with either zero volume or headphones. Also, parenting standards at Twin Oaks vary significantly. He would totally understand if I told him that other families didn't want exposure to video games. He would happily keep it to himself and not engage other kids with it.
As I mentioned, the current rule is 2 hrs a day. I'm open to reducing that, but it would need to be gradual, especially as he transitions, even just for visits, into a whole knew community. And I would certainly look for support in engaging him in alternative activities during that process. I'd also be happy to limit the kinds of games and movies he plays/watches (his favorite game for a long time has been Civilization, which actually has strong educational potential that I engage him around.)
In the end, I would welcome the opportunity to live in a community that holds "higher" standards around limiting this kind of stuff. I think it would be important for the community to support both of us in the retraining/transitioning process, and that he be allowed a reasonable amount of freedom to be who he is and have personal interests. As mentioned, I did plenty of playfighting and video games as a kid. I don't think it was of great detriment (I'm not a thug or a war-monger, nor am I ambitionless and uncreative, etc.) but I definitely think I would be a more creative and resourceful person had I spent my time in more constructive ways. And, whatever I had absorbed from society that compelled me towards those activities as a child, I naturally worked through it and eventually grew out of it. I'm confident that the same will be true for Willow.
I also want to reiterate that I understand and respect the concerns. I expected it, which is why I brought it up, so that it could be addressed early in the process. After the interview I told Willow's mother, Hawina, about all this. She's similarly sub-thrilled with how much time Willow spends at these activities but also feels some hopelessness around it. She noted, recognizing the irony, that if someone with a child who played video games and liked playfighting was applying for membership at Twin Oaks she'd have concerns too.
I realize that what is needed in this situation is for y'all to get a chance to meet him, which I hope to set up for next spring. Again, I'm both scared and excited for this. It will be a new and challenging experience for both of us in many ways. I think my interest in addressing this more in advance is to make sure that everyone has a sense of him as a complex, unique person and to be open to seeing him for all of who he is when he visits.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
don't try to figure it out
In my current incarnation as a professional bum I find myself in Eugene, OR, pondering the question, do I want to live here? But I can't ask myself that question in earnest. To do so would invite possibly the most intense existential crisis I have ever faced. You see, the question I'm really asking myself is this: Would a life here be compelling enough to take me away from Willow?
I've been planning this exploration for a year and a half. And over that time I have very, very gradually faced more and more the possibility of living away from my son. I got an email from Pax the other day including stuff about Willow's activities and Pax's thoughts on parenting-from-afar. Ouch - am I having a heart attack? Metaphorically perhaps. I believe that my bond with Willow is strong enough that I can maintain it long-distance. But it won't be the same, that's what hit me. Nothing can replace daily contact with a child. There is so much I would miss out on... (deep breath)
I have to believe he would be fine. Certainly, because of the bond we share there is something he would miss from my absence. But with Pax, Hawina, all his primaries, Jonah and Gwen, and the full, rich, engaging life a child has at Twin Oaks, he'll be fine. I have no doubts about him getting all the love and attention he needs to continue developing as the amazing being he is. It's not him I'm worried about, it's me.
If I tried to "figure out" whether or not I want to move away from Twin Oaks I would very quickly go insane. It's simply too soon to know. I've given myself till the end of next spring, with plenty of time away exploring and back at Twin Oaks. That's when I'll have to face it, probably by June. It's months away, but the time will pass so quickly.
I have yet to discuss the matter with Willow. I've been avoiding it - it's just been too painful. But I will, soon. I honestly can not imagine what he will say. I can see him being upset. I can see him being indifferent. I can see ambivilence. I can see philosophical acceptance. He never ceases to amaze me.
I see so much of myself in him. He's such a smart kid - many things come easily to him. So if something isn't immediatly fun and easy, he doesn't want to bother and can be totally lazy. When he's sick he's very calm and accepting - only in major pain does he get distressed. But he's very fearful of putting himself in situations that may result in physical pain. Generally speaking, he can be pretty fearful, a wimp so to speak. I was a total wimp (and kinda still am.) And he can be pretty insecure and anxious, not wanting to be alone, not wanting to push himself out of his comfort zone, easiy thinking he can't do something - all things I've struggled with.
I have a hard time with it sometimes. I know it's just because I have a hard time seeing those aspects of myself. I try not to give him a hard time, but it just comes out sometimes. I don't want him to have to struggle with that shit. But it doesn't help, and it feels terrible. It's just that I love him so much.
Every time something happens that's hard for him I just have to take a deep breath and say to myself, "it's just part of being human - we all have to deal with stuff - this is just what he has to deal with - if it wasn't this it would be something else." And really, it's in being with him through the hard stuff, staying centered and present myself and helping him deal with it and understand it, that's where some of the most satisfying experiences have come from. Every new experience is such a big deal - after 5.5 years we've been through so much. Can I really leave him?
I wonder if it's just my ego attachment, my desire to influence this child, mold him in my image. Or maybe it's my need to prove my worth as a human being by being a good parent. Maybe I can just move beyond all that... yeah, right.
I think about him sitting on my lap as we play Civilization together. I think about doing reading practice, struggling through it at times, but then finishing a new, challenging book and seeing the look of satisfaction on his face. I think about walking down the path with him on my back, holding each other close. I think about reading out loud to him, cuddled up together on the couch. I think about waking up with him in the morning, holding him as his eyelids flutter open. No lover, no adult partner has ever had such a firm grip on my heart.
It's as if, over the years, I have given him a piece of myself, but that piece still exists in myself as well as in him, with a cord to link them. Imagining leaving him, not living with him day-to-day, it feels like that part of me is being torn out. It never actually would be, but damn, it hurts.
I've been planning this exploration for a year and a half. And over that time I have very, very gradually faced more and more the possibility of living away from my son. I got an email from Pax the other day including stuff about Willow's activities and Pax's thoughts on parenting-from-afar. Ouch - am I having a heart attack? Metaphorically perhaps. I believe that my bond with Willow is strong enough that I can maintain it long-distance. But it won't be the same, that's what hit me. Nothing can replace daily contact with a child. There is so much I would miss out on... (deep breath)
I have to believe he would be fine. Certainly, because of the bond we share there is something he would miss from my absence. But with Pax, Hawina, all his primaries, Jonah and Gwen, and the full, rich, engaging life a child has at Twin Oaks, he'll be fine. I have no doubts about him getting all the love and attention he needs to continue developing as the amazing being he is. It's not him I'm worried about, it's me.
If I tried to "figure out" whether or not I want to move away from Twin Oaks I would very quickly go insane. It's simply too soon to know. I've given myself till the end of next spring, with plenty of time away exploring and back at Twin Oaks. That's when I'll have to face it, probably by June. It's months away, but the time will pass so quickly.
I have yet to discuss the matter with Willow. I've been avoiding it - it's just been too painful. But I will, soon. I honestly can not imagine what he will say. I can see him being upset. I can see him being indifferent. I can see ambivilence. I can see philosophical acceptance. He never ceases to amaze me.
I see so much of myself in him. He's such a smart kid - many things come easily to him. So if something isn't immediatly fun and easy, he doesn't want to bother and can be totally lazy. When he's sick he's very calm and accepting - only in major pain does he get distressed. But he's very fearful of putting himself in situations that may result in physical pain. Generally speaking, he can be pretty fearful, a wimp so to speak. I was a total wimp (and kinda still am.) And he can be pretty insecure and anxious, not wanting to be alone, not wanting to push himself out of his comfort zone, easiy thinking he can't do something - all things I've struggled with.
I have a hard time with it sometimes. I know it's just because I have a hard time seeing those aspects of myself. I try not to give him a hard time, but it just comes out sometimes. I don't want him to have to struggle with that shit. But it doesn't help, and it feels terrible. It's just that I love him so much.
Every time something happens that's hard for him I just have to take a deep breath and say to myself, "it's just part of being human - we all have to deal with stuff - this is just what he has to deal with - if it wasn't this it would be something else." And really, it's in being with him through the hard stuff, staying centered and present myself and helping him deal with it and understand it, that's where some of the most satisfying experiences have come from. Every new experience is such a big deal - after 5.5 years we've been through so much. Can I really leave him?
I wonder if it's just my ego attachment, my desire to influence this child, mold him in my image. Or maybe it's my need to prove my worth as a human being by being a good parent. Maybe I can just move beyond all that... yeah, right.
I think about him sitting on my lap as we play Civilization together. I think about doing reading practice, struggling through it at times, but then finishing a new, challenging book and seeing the look of satisfaction on his face. I think about walking down the path with him on my back, holding each other close. I think about reading out loud to him, cuddled up together on the couch. I think about waking up with him in the morning, holding him as his eyelids flutter open. No lover, no adult partner has ever had such a firm grip on my heart.
It's as if, over the years, I have given him a piece of myself, but that piece still exists in myself as well as in him, with a cord to link them. Imagining leaving him, not living with him day-to-day, it feels like that part of me is being torn out. It never actually would be, but damn, it hurts.
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