http://www.youtube.com/watch?v
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
sexism is alive an well
In case you were wondering if sexism still exists, watch this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-IrhRSwF9U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v
Sunday, June 22, 2008
compelling thoughts
One of the most quintessential aspects of our experience, and one most taken for granted, is thought. It also totally, subconsciously habitual. We do it constantly. If we suddenly find ourselves not thinking for a moment it's shocking.
Try not thinking, for just 30 seconds or a minute. Can you not have any thoughts for 30 seconds? Probably not. Why is that? What is so compelling about thinking that we can't stop doing it for 30 seconds?
Is it something about the thoughts themselves? Perhaps. What is it that we think about? It might be hard to remember. When you start thinking about thoughts and trying to observe them they change. You'll forget that you were trying to observe them or think about them, but then you'll remember again, and then maybe you can notice what thoughts you were having that were so compelling that you forgot about observing them.
Me, I tend to quantify time a lot. I tend to think about how long it is till some event, or how long it's been. I tend to have a lot of conversations in my mind with people about things I feel passionate or frustrated about. Bits of songs and scenes of movies take up a good chunk of the time. All in all, unless I'm intently focusing on something, my thoughts, each individual though in itself, isn't that interesting.
So why can't I stop having them? And where do they come from anyway? Once I start observing my thoughts it gets confusing. Does my mind think them? But if it's my mind thinking them what is doing the observing? Is that my mind too? Is my mind multi-faceted? Am I schizophrenic? It's like there's the observer mind and the thinking mind, and the latter is so strong that the former is generally consumed by it.
We live in a society that emphasises the intellect over intuition or emotion or the physical. We're bombarded by messages and images, mentally stimulating information. Most occupations involve or focus on mentally engaging tasks. The arts and music, spiritual practices, and physical activity are hobbies, pastimes, or things that certain kinds of people do.
There is no room in our society for silence and stillness. This addiction to frenetic activity is a new phenomenon, yet we take it for granted as the way it's always been, and we have no idea what we may have lost.
Try not thinking, for just 30 seconds or a minute. Can you not have any thoughts for 30 seconds? Probably not. Why is that? What is so compelling about thinking that we can't stop doing it for 30 seconds?
Is it something about the thoughts themselves? Perhaps. What is it that we think about? It might be hard to remember. When you start thinking about thoughts and trying to observe them they change. You'll forget that you were trying to observe them or think about them, but then you'll remember again, and then maybe you can notice what thoughts you were having that were so compelling that you forgot about observing them.
Me, I tend to quantify time a lot. I tend to think about how long it is till some event, or how long it's been. I tend to have a lot of conversations in my mind with people about things I feel passionate or frustrated about. Bits of songs and scenes of movies take up a good chunk of the time. All in all, unless I'm intently focusing on something, my thoughts, each individual though in itself, isn't that interesting.
So why can't I stop having them? And where do they come from anyway? Once I start observing my thoughts it gets confusing. Does my mind think them? But if it's my mind thinking them what is doing the observing? Is that my mind too? Is my mind multi-faceted? Am I schizophrenic? It's like there's the observer mind and the thinking mind, and the latter is so strong that the former is generally consumed by it.
We live in a society that emphasises the intellect over intuition or emotion or the physical. We're bombarded by messages and images, mentally stimulating information. Most occupations involve or focus on mentally engaging tasks. The arts and music, spiritual practices, and physical activity are hobbies, pastimes, or things that certain kinds of people do.
There is no room in our society for silence and stillness. This addiction to frenetic activity is a new phenomenon, yet we take it for granted as the way it's always been, and we have no idea what we may have lost.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
the cost of cars
Recently I did a big round of research into organizations and programs working towards sustainability, particularly urban sustainability. I signed up for various e-newsletters. One of them, Sustainlane, has been consistently infuriating me. Hardly better than "green washing" this notion that "green" consumerism will save the planet is at best ludicrous.
The last e-newsletter I got from Sustainlane asked the question , "Are hybrid cars really good for the environment?" I knew what my answer was, and I thought it a good sign that they were asking this question. The article went on from there like this:
"It depends on what you compare them to. Looking at the complete lifecycle of any product, let alone a car, from raw materials to eventual disposal or reuse is incredibly complicated. What's a poor information-starved enviro to do?"
Okay, this is looking good, I thought. For years I've been pointing out that if we're not also talking about the "complete lifecycle" of personal vehicles the question of how to fuel them is pointless. But as I read on, the article simply didn't go there. It was all about whether or not to drive small, fuel-efficient vehicles or hybrid, or whether or not Toyota's Prius or Honda's Hybrid Civic is better.
I couldn't take it. I wrote them the following letter.
Dear Editor:
I would like to see Sustainlane do an article on Are CARS really good for the environment? No matter what fuel source we're using, if we want to evaluate whether or not personal motorized vehicles are "sustainable" we have to consider several things.
We have to consider the energy and materials cost in extracting and processing materials used to produce them, as well as the energy cost in manufacturing. We also have to consider the energy and materials cost involved in creating and maintaining the roads and other infrastructure cars require. While we're at it we might want to consider the amount of human and animal deaths caused by cars and car accidents. And then there's the social cost of building human structures and settlements to accommodate car use.
Even fuel source must be considered. Electric or hydrogen are great ideas, but currently most of that energy is produced in nuclear or coal power plants. And there's no way we can produce enough biofuels to replace the amount of petroleum currently being consumed, unless we want to feed our cars at the expense of ourselves.
Studies and information detailing all of this is are out there. It is conveniently ignored by people who want to assuage their guilt by driving a hybrid or an old Nissan Sentra. Please don't enable this behavior. To actually reach sustainable levels of consumption and waste American's are going to have to make substantial changes to their lifestyles. Please, publish information that makes this reality evident and provides hope for the real solutions that exist.
in community,
Sky Blue
Portland, OR
The last e-newsletter I got from Sustainlane asked the question , "Are hybrid cars really good for the environment?" I knew what my answer was, and I thought it a good sign that they were asking this question. The article went on from there like this:
"It depends on what you compare them to. Looking at the complete lifecycle of any product, let alone a car, from raw materials to eventual disposal or reuse is incredibly complicated. What's a poor information-starved enviro to do?"
Okay, this is looking good, I thought. For years I've been pointing out that if we're not also talking about the "complete lifecycle" of personal vehicles the question of how to fuel them is pointless. But as I read on, the article simply didn't go there. It was all about whether or not to drive small, fuel-efficient vehicles or hybrid, or whether or not Toyota's Prius or Honda's Hybrid Civic is better.
I couldn't take it. I wrote them the following letter.
Dear Editor:
I would like to see Sustainlane do an article on Are CARS really good for the environment? No matter what fuel source we're using, if we want to evaluate whether or not personal motorized vehicles are "sustainable" we have to consider several things.
We have to consider the energy and materials cost in extracting and processing materials used to produce them, as well as the energy cost in manufacturing. We also have to consider the energy and materials cost involved in creating and maintaining the roads and other infrastructure cars require. While we're at it we might want to consider the amount of human and animal deaths caused by cars and car accidents. And then there's the social cost of building human structures and settlements to accommodate car use.
Even fuel source must be considered. Electric or hydrogen are great ideas, but currently most of that energy is produced in nuclear or coal power plants. And there's no way we can produce enough biofuels to replace the amount of petroleum currently being consumed, unless we want to feed our cars at the expense of ourselves.
Studies and information detailing all of this is are out there. It is conveniently ignored by people who want to assuage their guilt by driving a hybrid or an old Nissan Sentra. Please don't enable this behavior. To actually reach sustainable levels of consumption and waste American's are going to have to make substantial changes to their lifestyles. Please, publish information that makes this reality evident and provides hope for the real solutions that exist.
in community,
Sky Blue
Portland, OR
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
the new economy PDX
My friend Brush and I are initiating a process to galvanize the movement towards a more economically just urban environment. Unfortunately I may not be in Portland long enough to attend the first mtg. But I'm grateful for the opportunity to develop these ideas. I want to share the summary of our conversations to date.
Goal of this process:
To support the accelerating emergence in Portland of new economies based
on sustainability and justice, so more and more people can meet basic
needs through local values-based exchange of work and resources rather
than the dominating economy.
Economies:
Systems that coordinate human needs and desires with time and resources, to sustain and grow life.
Goal for first gathering:
To identify and plan specific and measurable actions to bolster infrastructure for such new economies.
Note that the goal is not to create a new overarching organizational structure to replace or encompass existing systems and organizations. We seek rather to link those systems and organizations, coordinate their efforts, support their expansion, support the creation of new systems and organizations, and help more individuals get involved.
Gathering date
We are considering the second week of July.
Gathering agenda
We are currently meeting with potential participants to define the agenda and the process. It will be tightly facilitated to ensure productive outcomes.
Questions to frame agenda-development:
* What are the existing infrastructure pieces? How could they be improved?
* What new infrastructure pieces would be most valuable? In what order of implementation?
* How can we get these changes going most effectively?
* Who else should be involved?
Please note: this human-friendly gathering will include food, music, and socializing. This is our revolution, and we dance!
Example possible infrastructure pieces:
* Coordination tech
Methods to help different economic systems keep track of each others' activities, support exchange of resources among groups, make it easy for people entering one group to access others, and coordinate large projects involve multiple groups with follow-through
* Revolutionary welcome centers
Space/group that helps new arrivals (to Portland and/or new economies) connect with potentially compatible resources, organizations, trainings, etc. Could include regular public gatherings for economic projects to recruit and request help.
* Anarchist HR collectives
Support for workers and organizations in designing good job-matches,
finding/developing training, managing workflow, engaging conflict, balancing autonomy and collectivity, etc. May also focus on helping folk have access to basic needs (housing, health, food, etc.)
* Capitalism interface collectives
Radical legal, financial, and lobbying crews with skills to create robust interfaces between our emerging economies and courts, banks, and governments, in order to maximize our autonomy, influence, and resistance to co-optation.
* Open Standards for Open New Economies
Open data exchange standards that allow seamless interaction and aggregation of economic information so people can join multiple systems and manage information from one client: goods/services exchange, project management, decision-making, ratings, events, etc.
* Catalysts
Crews who provide start-up know-how and resources to get new collectives running, then leave to start another.
* Cross-pollinators
Groups or individuals that focus on helping deeply different communities and cultures discover how to respect each other, learn from each other, and design mutually beneficial collaboration.
* Your ideas here!
Goal of this process:
To support the accelerating emergence in Portland of new economies based
on sustainability and justice, so more and more people can meet basic
needs through local values-based exchange of work and resources rather
than the dominating economy.
Economies:
Systems that coordinate human needs and desires with time and resources, to sustain and grow life.
Goal for first gathering:
To identify and plan specific and measurable actions to bolster infrastructure for such new economies.
Note that the goal is not to create a new overarching organizational structure to replace or encompass existing systems and organizations. We seek rather to link those systems and organizations, coordinate their efforts, support their expansion, support the creation of new systems and organizations, and help more individuals get involved.
Gathering date
We are considering the second week of July.
Gathering agenda
We are currently meeting with potential participants to define the agenda and the process. It will be tightly facilitated to ensure productive outcomes.
Questions to frame agenda-development:
* What are the existing infrastructure pieces? How could they be improved?
* What new infrastructure pieces would be most valuable? In what order of implementation?
* How can we get these changes going most effectively?
* Who else should be involved?
Please note: this human-friendly gathering will include food, music, and socializing. This is our revolution, and we dance!
Example possible infrastructure pieces:
* Coordination tech
Methods to help different economic systems keep track of each others' activities, support exchange of resources among groups, make it easy for people entering one group to access others, and coordinate large projects involve multiple groups with follow-through
* Revolutionary welcome centers
Space/group that helps new arrivals (to Portland and/or new economies) connect with potentially compatible resources, organizations, trainings, etc. Could include regular public gatherings for economic projects to recruit and request help.
* Anarchist HR collectives
Support for workers and organizations in designing good job-matches,
finding/developing training, managing workflow, engaging conflict, balancing autonomy and collectivity, etc. May also focus on helping folk have access to basic needs (housing, health, food, etc.)
* Capitalism interface collectives
Radical legal, financial, and lobbying crews with skills to create robust interfaces between our emerging economies and courts, banks, and governments, in order to maximize our autonomy, influence, and resistance to co-optation.
* Open Standards for Open New Economies
Open data exchange standards that allow seamless interaction and aggregation of economic information so people can join multiple systems and manage information from one client: goods/services exchange, project management, decision-making, ratings, events, etc.
* Catalysts
Crews who provide start-up know-how and resources to get new collectives running, then leave to start another.
* Cross-pollinators
Groups or individuals that focus on helping deeply different communities and cultures discover how to respect each other, learn from each other, and design mutually beneficial collaboration.
* Your ideas here!
Saturday, May 31, 2008
fantasies of death
I've been thinking about death. I blame my meditation practice. Fantasies of death have been coming to mind while meditating with increased frequency over the last couple years. About a year and a half ago, near the end of a meditation course, a particularly excruciating one arose.
In the realm of apocalyptic 2012 theories, one I've heard is that not only will the earth's magnetic poles shift, the planet's axis will shift, literally role over on its side so that points on the equator will become the new polar ice caps, and the antarctic continent will become habitable. This could happen quite quickly in this theory.
Now, I don't give this much credit. But somehow, on the morning of the tenth day of this meditation course my wandering mind, my whimsical, flittering, fluttering mind landed on this idea, and explored it. I imagined a scenario where it happened so quickly that all of a sudden we at Twin Oaks (where I was still living at the time) would get snowed in before we realized what was happening. And in this scenario there would be now relief, no escape. It would be a death sentence.
Of course, our stores of food and fire wood would keep us alive for some months. Then, gradually they would run out. I knew what I would do. I would meditate a lot. I would prepare myself for death as I've learned to do. But what about Willow? How could he understand what was happening? How could he cope?
I imagined trying to teach this (at that point) four year old boy how to meditate. Sitting with him as he cried, screaming, "why can't we leave?!" or "I'm hungry! Why can't we get food?!" or "I'm cold, why won't it stop snowing!" or "What's going on? What's going to happen?" And I would hold him and try my best to explain. "We're trapped, and eventually the food will run out, or the fire wood. We're going to die. It's going to feel really bad and there's nothing we can do to stop it."
I would try to stay calm, try to keep peace in myself as my heart broke over and over again. As a parent, as a human, one of the most painful experiences I've had to face is seeing Willow in pain, physical or emotional. Often, it's like I'm feeling it, only I feel more powerless, which only makes it worse.
Lately, new fantasies of death have been coming out. In case you didn't know there's been a world food crisis. Millions of people all of a sudden finding themselves without enough to eat. There have been food riots. I've been thinking about that. What if that happened here? Simply not enough food on the shelves to feed everyone, or it's so expensive that people, that I, can't afford to buy enough. What if people rioted? Would I riot too? Would I try to get enough for myself in a mad rush knowing that if I did someone else would go hungry? I'm lucky to be close with people who garden. But what happens when winter comes and there's just not enough?
There are other more plausible theories of catastrophe. Atmospheric, geophysical, solar disasters. All unlikely, but they've all happened before, and could literally happen again at any time. The southeast Asia tsunami. Katrina. The typhoon in Burma. The earthquake in china. I'm lucky. Any one of us is lucky.
Willow and I saw a movie in a planetarium that showed a representation of the asteroid colliding with the earth that wiped out the dinosaurs. Scientist think that in the first hour after the asteroid hit the temperature on the planet reached 500 degrees Fahrenheit. Planet wide black out of ash and dust ensued, dark enough so that plants didn't have enough sunlight to survive for 6 months. How anything on the planet managed to survive that is a wonder to me.
Thinking about all these things, I feel very small. I realize how fragile and insignificant I am in the grandness of time and space and geophysical, planetary, intrastellar phenomena. And then I look around me, in the coffeeshop I'm sitting in, or on the street I'm driving down, or in the dance club with people in their cute outfits doing their mating rituals.
And I think, what is life? What is this complexity of culture we've created that we so take for granted? Large scale cataclysmic events aside, there are the age-old cataclysms of sickness, injury, old age, death.
A friend recently dislocated her ankle in a bike accident. She may never walk right again. Even at 28 years old I'm finding that I gain weight much more easily than I use to, and my digestive system in general is much more sensitive. I have a chronic neck spasm from a childhood injury that will never fully heal, and will probably lead to gradual decrease in mobility the older I get. And I know I'm going to have to keep dealing with an increasing number of ailments.
I firmly believe that facing our pain is most profoundly life changing, transformative, revolutionary, social change-making action we can take. The less afraid of pain we are, the less afraid of death we are, the more open to love and joy and life we are. I've dealt with a lot of pain through my meditation practice, but I know I still have so far to go. I'm still very afraid of pain. Getting shots, or my blood taken, still makes me cringe, for example. And the thought of a painful death, particularly burning to death or drowning, are very hard to think about.
But I welcome these fantasies. I don't dwell on them, but I greet them when they arise, acknowledge them, feel how they feel, and let them pass. I'm grateful that I've started this practice now. It is perhaps naive hope, given the state of the world, that I will live to a ripe old age, but that is what I imagine. May I, and may we all, learn to face our pain and, ultimately, our deaths, with peace and calmness and gratitude.
In the realm of apocalyptic 2012 theories, one I've heard is that not only will the earth's magnetic poles shift, the planet's axis will shift, literally role over on its side so that points on the equator will become the new polar ice caps, and the antarctic continent will become habitable. This could happen quite quickly in this theory.
Now, I don't give this much credit. But somehow, on the morning of the tenth day of this meditation course my wandering mind, my whimsical, flittering, fluttering mind landed on this idea, and explored it. I imagined a scenario where it happened so quickly that all of a sudden we at Twin Oaks (where I was still living at the time) would get snowed in before we realized what was happening. And in this scenario there would be now relief, no escape. It would be a death sentence.
Of course, our stores of food and fire wood would keep us alive for some months. Then, gradually they would run out. I knew what I would do. I would meditate a lot. I would prepare myself for death as I've learned to do. But what about Willow? How could he understand what was happening? How could he cope?
I imagined trying to teach this (at that point) four year old boy how to meditate. Sitting with him as he cried, screaming, "why can't we leave?!" or "I'm hungry! Why can't we get food?!" or "I'm cold, why won't it stop snowing!" or "What's going on? What's going to happen?" And I would hold him and try my best to explain. "We're trapped, and eventually the food will run out, or the fire wood. We're going to die. It's going to feel really bad and there's nothing we can do to stop it."
I would try to stay calm, try to keep peace in myself as my heart broke over and over again. As a parent, as a human, one of the most painful experiences I've had to face is seeing Willow in pain, physical or emotional. Often, it's like I'm feeling it, only I feel more powerless, which only makes it worse.
Lately, new fantasies of death have been coming out. In case you didn't know there's been a world food crisis. Millions of people all of a sudden finding themselves without enough to eat. There have been food riots. I've been thinking about that. What if that happened here? Simply not enough food on the shelves to feed everyone, or it's so expensive that people, that I, can't afford to buy enough. What if people rioted? Would I riot too? Would I try to get enough for myself in a mad rush knowing that if I did someone else would go hungry? I'm lucky to be close with people who garden. But what happens when winter comes and there's just not enough?
There are other more plausible theories of catastrophe. Atmospheric, geophysical, solar disasters. All unlikely, but they've all happened before, and could literally happen again at any time. The southeast Asia tsunami. Katrina. The typhoon in Burma. The earthquake in china. I'm lucky. Any one of us is lucky.
Willow and I saw a movie in a planetarium that showed a representation of the asteroid colliding with the earth that wiped out the dinosaurs. Scientist think that in the first hour after the asteroid hit the temperature on the planet reached 500 degrees Fahrenheit. Planet wide black out of ash and dust ensued, dark enough so that plants didn't have enough sunlight to survive for 6 months. How anything on the planet managed to survive that is a wonder to me.
Thinking about all these things, I feel very small. I realize how fragile and insignificant I am in the grandness of time and space and geophysical, planetary, intrastellar phenomena. And then I look around me, in the coffeeshop I'm sitting in, or on the street I'm driving down, or in the dance club with people in their cute outfits doing their mating rituals.
And I think, what is life? What is this complexity of culture we've created that we so take for granted? Large scale cataclysmic events aside, there are the age-old cataclysms of sickness, injury, old age, death.
A friend recently dislocated her ankle in a bike accident. She may never walk right again. Even at 28 years old I'm finding that I gain weight much more easily than I use to, and my digestive system in general is much more sensitive. I have a chronic neck spasm from a childhood injury that will never fully heal, and will probably lead to gradual decrease in mobility the older I get. And I know I'm going to have to keep dealing with an increasing number of ailments.
I firmly believe that facing our pain is most profoundly life changing, transformative, revolutionary, social change-making action we can take. The less afraid of pain we are, the less afraid of death we are, the more open to love and joy and life we are. I've dealt with a lot of pain through my meditation practice, but I know I still have so far to go. I'm still very afraid of pain. Getting shots, or my blood taken, still makes me cringe, for example. And the thought of a painful death, particularly burning to death or drowning, are very hard to think about.
But I welcome these fantasies. I don't dwell on them, but I greet them when they arise, acknowledge them, feel how they feel, and let them pass. I'm grateful that I've started this practice now. It is perhaps naive hope, given the state of the world, that I will live to a ripe old age, but that is what I imagine. May I, and may we all, learn to face our pain and, ultimately, our deaths, with peace and calmness and gratitude.
earthly betrayal
Like a rebelious teenager, we have created an antagonistic relationship with our progenitors. We have betrayed they earth, and the earth, out of self-preservation, has broken from unconditional love and is betraying us. Our response is complex. How do to deal with it?
Kneel down, beat the earth with your fists, say,
"how could you!?"
Clutch the earth, grip it, dig your fingers into it, say,
"take me back!"
Leap from the earth, reach towards the sky, say,
"let me go!"
Lie on the earth, sprawl out in surrender, say,
"I accept this."
Stand up, face yourself, face others, face the world, say,
"I love you, I will better myself, I will better the world."
I heard an interesting concept last night. Corporate america has been increasingly co-opting the idea of being "green." "Green washing" has become popular, esp. among automobile and oil industries. Green consumerism is constantly gaining ground. Some of this is a sham, some of it is a step in the right direction. But generally, none of it is "sustainable."
Sustainable is the increasingly popular buzz word, the cutting edge of appropriate technology and socio-economic systems. But sustainable, in a sense, means neutral. It means not making things worse.
So, there's a next level: restorative. We don't really want to sustain things the way they are right now. We want to restore our natural and social environments to some previous state that is more balanced.
But there's a level beyond that: regenerative. And to me, regenerative implies an evolution beyond what has been to something new, something we are only beginning to imagine.
Kneel down, beat the earth with your fists, say,
"how could you!?"
Clutch the earth, grip it, dig your fingers into it, say,
"take me back!"
Leap from the earth, reach towards the sky, say,
"let me go!"
Lie on the earth, sprawl out in surrender, say,
"I accept this."
Stand up, face yourself, face others, face the world, say,
"I love you, I will better myself, I will better the world."
I heard an interesting concept last night. Corporate america has been increasingly co-opting the idea of being "green." "Green washing" has become popular, esp. among automobile and oil industries. Green consumerism is constantly gaining ground. Some of this is a sham, some of it is a step in the right direction. But generally, none of it is "sustainable."
Sustainable is the increasingly popular buzz word, the cutting edge of appropriate technology and socio-economic systems. But sustainable, in a sense, means neutral. It means not making things worse.
So, there's a next level: restorative. We don't really want to sustain things the way they are right now. We want to restore our natural and social environments to some previous state that is more balanced.
But there's a level beyond that: regenerative. And to me, regenerative implies an evolution beyond what has been to something new, something we are only beginning to imagine.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
willow and my life
After two and half months apart Willow and I are back together. The first night here, as we cuddled up for bed, I said, "you know what?" "What?" he said. "It's been two and half months since we've seen each other." "What the heck!" he exclaimed. "But you know, now that we're here together it seems like it's been no time at all." "Yeah," was his thoughtful reply.
Jumping back into full-time parenting has been good and challenging, natural and jarring. I'm immensly thankful for Kassia's presence. She's been spending lots of time with him, in addition to the three of us spending time together. I've always been the strictest of Willow's parents (in monitoring his screen time, for example) and the most demanding, around things like learning time and dietary choices. Kassia has been a good ally for me in this in that she doesn't come with the same level of anxiety towards "being a good parent" that I do. I've been appreciating her patience and persistance, as well as her creativity in find ways to engage Willow, rather than just making him do things, which is the approach I tend to fall into.
For some reason about a year ago parenting, and my relationship with Willow, all of a sudden took on a very natural and comfortable feeling for me. I still struggle with insecurities. When Willow gets into being fearful or insecure a part of me starts thinking it's my fault. When he gets into being lazy or obstinate I think I'm not pushing him enough and am not creative enough in my methods of engaging him. But I feel connected to him in a way I haven't before. There's more we can do together. He's more capable of grasping the various aspects of life and reality that I find awe inspiring. And somehow I just get what's going on for him better, and find it easier to talk with him about his experience. He's also getting more affectionate and cuddly with me, which I really enjoy.
I'm going back to virginia. Even before Willow came out I came to this conclusion. I can't subordinate parenting at this point in my life, in his life. Each year of his life right now is so special and unique - I don't want to miss it. I want to keep growing up with him. Pax, Hawina, and I seem to be in a stronger place that we've been for a long time as well. It would be a shame not to take advantage of strength and closeness of our family.
But I can't live at Twin Oaks anymore, that's clear. Charlottesville is the plan. Kassia will be coming too, and I'm very happy that we'll be continuing our partnership. In thinking about all the crazy plans and schemes I want to work on it seems like it would be much harder without her.
The best laid plans of mice and men, as they say. My personality likes to plan, likes to set myself on a track and follow it. Fortunately this about-face hasn't been too disruptive. I credit my meditation practice for that. And I'm looking forward to these next couple months in Portland, a month at a meditation center, Europe, and then hitting the ground (in C'ville) running in January.
Let's see how long this plan lasts ;0)
Jumping back into full-time parenting has been good and challenging, natural and jarring. I'm immensly thankful for Kassia's presence. She's been spending lots of time with him, in addition to the three of us spending time together. I've always been the strictest of Willow's parents (in monitoring his screen time, for example) and the most demanding, around things like learning time and dietary choices. Kassia has been a good ally for me in this in that she doesn't come with the same level of anxiety towards "being a good parent" that I do. I've been appreciating her patience and persistance, as well as her creativity in find ways to engage Willow, rather than just making him do things, which is the approach I tend to fall into.
For some reason about a year ago parenting, and my relationship with Willow, all of a sudden took on a very natural and comfortable feeling for me. I still struggle with insecurities. When Willow gets into being fearful or insecure a part of me starts thinking it's my fault. When he gets into being lazy or obstinate I think I'm not pushing him enough and am not creative enough in my methods of engaging him. But I feel connected to him in a way I haven't before. There's more we can do together. He's more capable of grasping the various aspects of life and reality that I find awe inspiring. And somehow I just get what's going on for him better, and find it easier to talk with him about his experience. He's also getting more affectionate and cuddly with me, which I really enjoy.
I'm going back to virginia. Even before Willow came out I came to this conclusion. I can't subordinate parenting at this point in my life, in his life. Each year of his life right now is so special and unique - I don't want to miss it. I want to keep growing up with him. Pax, Hawina, and I seem to be in a stronger place that we've been for a long time as well. It would be a shame not to take advantage of strength and closeness of our family.
But I can't live at Twin Oaks anymore, that's clear. Charlottesville is the plan. Kassia will be coming too, and I'm very happy that we'll be continuing our partnership. In thinking about all the crazy plans and schemes I want to work on it seems like it would be much harder without her.
The best laid plans of mice and men, as they say. My personality likes to plan, likes to set myself on a track and follow it. Fortunately this about-face hasn't been too disruptive. I credit my meditation practice for that. And I'm looking forward to these next couple months in Portland, a month at a meditation center, Europe, and then hitting the ground (in C'ville) running in January.
Let's see how long this plan lasts ;0)
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